Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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