you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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