its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
