Who wears a wallet chain?!
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I need water and some morals
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
