it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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