dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
