I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize