toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize