How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
