Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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