Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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