There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
