I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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