I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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