there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize