You're my little dorito
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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