Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
