Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
