His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
