ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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