Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
