Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
