he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
