One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
