Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
