the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
