I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
