WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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