sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
