Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
