New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
This is the high leading the old right now
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
