I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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