she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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