you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
