We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
