wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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