I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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