Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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