beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
