paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
