12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
