it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
sarcasm needs its own font
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
