I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
