dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
