as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
