when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
