Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
