Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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