You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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