dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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