Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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