Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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