My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
