can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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