TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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