I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
