Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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