very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
