I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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