I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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