You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
