The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You ruined the universe
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
