There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
