Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize