I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
