:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
