Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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