Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
