The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize