He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
